Pity Party Pig Out - Reflections

Last week was a doosie.  My daughter is in the hospital recovering from a procedure (she’s okay), and I spent the whole weekend there with her.  I came home on Sunday night, leaving my husband there to stay, as I had to go to work on Monday morning and he did not. 

Sunday night, watching football by myself in my jammies, I wanted a snack.  I went to the fridge, and found a mountain of Chinese food leftovers, none of which I should be eating.  I seized on the stress of the weekend as an excuse to pig out on forbidden foods (yes, it was a conscious choice and I knew what I was doing). 

I wish that I could say that I stopped at the cold spareribs and chicken fingers.  I didn’t.  I went back to the fridge, looking for something sweet, thinking to myself, “well, I already blew it with Chinese, what’s a little more junk food going to hurt?” 

I found about 4 ounces of coconut chocolate chip cookie dough in the freezer, and demolished that.  I looked down at my belly, which had already started to rumble at me disagreeably, and felt a bit ashamed.

I justified my bad eating choices, in those moments, by thinking that, with all that I had going on, I deserved a break, and no one would think poorly of me for cheating.

Making excuses for poor behavior to justify continuing down a path that I should not be on is just crazy talk!  Who am I making excuses to?  Me?  Sending excuses from myself to myself?  This is how I got into the rut that I was in – you know, the rut that had me ballooning to 236 pounds on my 5’6” frame, suffering from diabetes, high blood pressure and PCOS. 

I am past this and I am better than this.  Taking personal responsibility for my health at all times means that when life hands me lemons, I do not drink lemonade.  I also do not eat lemon squares or lemon pie, or indulge in lemon chicken.  I calm down, take stock, and decide not to go forth into a feeding frenzy. 

The truth of the matter is that I have this one life, and this one body, and I believe that I can do better for myself and for my family.  No one benefits when I eat crap that can literally send me into a coronary. 

Gifting myself with junk food, sugar and starches is the old Kate, the one who numbed herself with food because she could not face sad things in her life.   

The new Kate is honest with herself, and is getting healthier day by day.  She doesn’t run from problems.  She faces them head-on, and sends them packing.   

Does this familiar to you?  Check out:

Pema Chodron, Getting Unstuck, This is a great CD from Pema Chodron, a buddhist nun.  She's been there.  This CD really helped me understand what I was doing to myself with food.  Its not a CD about food or dieting - its about being in a rut and identifying why you created the rut, and what its done for you lately. 

Sweet Sweet Friday

Things are going well.  I'm still in ketosis.  However, although I continue to follow the diet, I do so without thought.  So, I'm not really feeling like I'm dieting anymore. 

I am having some concerns about craving.  I am not really "craving" anything as in "I'm obsessing about it and I can't stop myself from bingeing", but I can't help but want to eat some sweets.  Oh, sweetie sweetie sweetie sweets, how I lust to imbibe you!  I now have a few low-carb things in the house that I made myself, which I could consume and technically not break I&N rules... like my low carb almond macaroons and my low carb individual cheesecakes.  But I am conflicted. 

I feel guilty and I want to be good!!  I want this WoE to work.  I&N don't limit your intake of cheese, cream, or nuts.  You can have sweets as long as they are low carb and don't contain a huge amount of sugar substitutes.  My sweet treats comply with I&N... but I've been following this Atkins forum online, and I've reread DANDR 2002, and Atkins induction restricts you to 4 oz. of cheese, 3 tbsp of cream, and no nuts, daily, on induction.  No peanut butter on Atkins - but on I&N peanut butter is allowed.  I am torn, because one of the things that makes me able to stick to I&N is that I don't feel deprived because I get to enjoy the foregoing items which are prohibited at this stage of Atkins.  The problem has been that I've followed I&N well, and though I'm losing inches, my official weekly weigh ins have remained static for a few weeks now.  So, I'm torn.  DANDR 2002 promises (but will it deliver?) greater results with only slightly more restriction.  I&N is easier for me to follow and still keeps me in ketosis.  I mean, if I'm in ketosis, and I'm exercising (which I will today, God help me, its been a nutso week), the fat should be melting and the weight should be dropping.  What about the Spanish Ketogenic Diet that produces liposuction-like results (and requires daily ingestion of red wine, which is prohibited on I&N and Atkins)?  I need to make a choice about which specific ketogenic WoE I am going to follow, or I think that I risk falling off the boat entirely.  My fear about falling off the boat is not because I am craving, or because my heart is not in it - I fear carelessness and inattention will lead me astray, and I'll find myself back to where I was 6 weeks ago - uncontrollably snacking at night, with one carby snack leading to another and to another...  So, I have choices to make.

Can I just say, holy crap, I can't believe that I am at the end of the 5th week of this diet, and according to I&N, my only cheats have alcohol-related (the champagne fiasco on V-Day, one glass of wine with Pete a couple of weeks ago, and 1 martini last Saturday).  I have to give myself mad props (is that term still cool with the kids?) for sticking with this for such a long time.  I have never, ever, been so good on a diet and lasted this long.  I think the credit goes to me - but not to the thinking part of me, or the "willpower" part of me (which I have not really had to exercise), but the endocrinological parts of me, which, if the ketosis experts are right, are no longer causing my brain to shoot out the message that I am in desperate need of fried chicken and chocolate cake NOW.  I do miss these things (and I will find an excellent low carb fried chicken recipe if it kills me), but I am not fiending after them like an addict.

When it comes to food, I am a different person than I used to be.  I feared for a long time (until very recently) that I had a food addiction or compulsion that I could barely control.  I had never really felt true "hunger" (like rumblings in my belly) but I always had the intense desire to eat, which I was often unable to ignore.  Indeed, to me, "hungry" or the need (not desire) to eat has only ever been manifested by a sudden bout of dissiness or nausea.  When I ate, I never felt satisfied with the food I ate.  There were two postprandial reactions for me: either I had deprived myself and was still hungry, or I had stuffed myself to the gills and was sick to my stomach.  I&N has changed everything: I haven't felt hungry since the first week of this WoE, and I certainly haven't felt stuffed to the gills either.  I am feeling satisfied with meals for the first time ever, and I don't get that intense desire to eat anymore. 

What does this mean?  Answer: this diet has challenged my well-established perceptions about myself, and as a result, I learned a great deal about me and my body, and I no longer criticize myself for my former “failings” in weight management and control.

2/23/11, Day 32, exhaustion

My body does not want to get up at 6 a.m.  I fought an internal battle of wills this morning to get out of bed - really, it was more my will v. my desire to sleep in.  I made it, though.  I was at work for 7:30.  It was a close thing.  I am trying to keep foremost in my mind that I can do anything, and that, if I want to make up the billables I missed when I was taking care of my dad, I need to put in an extra 1.5 hours 3-4 days per week, or lose every weekend for the next 6 months.  Plus, two of my bosses (yes, I have several bosses - I think 7 of them) went office to office yesterday to discuss billables and revenues with each attorney.  Pressure! 

I have to push myself, but I know that I have to also take care of myself.  For example, Tuesday was a good work day - up at 6, in by 7:30, billed 8+ good hours before I left early for a City meeting.  But... the meeting went on forever.  I didn't get home for dinner until 7:30 p.m.  Then, I just had no juice left to do anything but relax.  I had no gym in me.  On days like these, something has to give.  I can't have a City meeting, work a 9 hour day, go to the gym and be supermom all in one day.  Something has to give!  Schedule: bend to my will!!  Ugh.  See, I'm totally bonkers.

The diet is going well.  I am in ketosis - I have been in ketosis for 8 straight days.  I don't have any hunger issues, but I'm noticing that I'm starting to have some carby cravings.  There is a mental element to it, too.  I caught myself thinking "I can never eat this again".  Yes, I was talking about fried chicken, and yes, it happened last night when I was exhausted and succeptible.  So, I got myself a low carb cookbook and I'm going to see what I can do about making some fried chicken - there is a recipe in there, but it looks like I will have to get on the internet to buy the stuff I need.  Where do you even get vital wheat gluten flour??!!

So far so good, 2/16, day 25

I am sitting in my office all day, listening to a phone deposition.  The effects of this lifestyle are somewhat inconvenient at the moment, as I have had to make a desparate bathroom break every 45 minutes to an hour to pee.  This means that I'm bugging one of my friends at work to cover my phone for the few minutes I'm away, running off to the restroom.  I think that this friend of mine is starting to think that my water consumption is a little neurotic.  I would tend to agree a bit.  I bought a 1 liter poland spring water today, and I've only refilled it once... that's two liters of water since I've been at work (10 a.m.).  I just did the calculations, and that is 67.62 ounces of water, or 8.45 cups of water - in four hours.  Add to that the water I had this morning when I took my vitamins and I'm probably up to about 10.5 cups of water.  No wonder its all Niagara Falls up in here.  I'm a little embarassed to bug her again.  I'm going to try to hold it for a bit. 

I have been very good with food today.  This morning, I was not feeling hungry at all, so I swallowed a spoonful of organic peanut butter (about 2.5 carbs).  For lunch, I had a big turkey cobb salad from Au Bon Pain with blue cheese dressing (I removed the croutons and carrots).  So far so good.  Assuming that I make it home for dinner tonight, we are supposed to have roasted chicken and creamed spinach.  If not, I'll have to do some low-carb dining out option.  Luckily, I have not yet had my fill of buffalo wings, which are definitely low carb, and are available at most places.

I am excited to get my ketostix in the mail, because I really think that I'm in ketosis.  So, I'm hoping for some good weight loss this week.  I just got notice from Amazon that they shipped today.  Maybe they'll be in on Friday.

I need to pick up some nuts to snack on when I'm in the office.  If I get hungry, and the cafeteria is closed, I'm really screwed because there is nothing but carbs around here.  Right now, I feel fine.  However, I hate to get caught hungry with nothing to eat.  That's when I start drinking coffee with cream in it.

I feel very good physically (despite the need to pee at the moment).  My gastro system seems to love this diet - I have been without IBS symptoms for the first time in 4 years.  As I mentioned previously, I haven't had any issues with gas or heartburn in over three weeks (from the very first day I started the diet).  I never get the post-lunch 3 p.m. crash that I used to suffer from.  My energy level is great.  My back feels good and strong.  I am very happy - a lot of this is due to the fact that I am taking control of my diet...my health... my LIFE.  I've been bounced about a lot in the past couple of years, and things have happened to me.  That passive mindset was a way to not take responsibility for the irresponsible way that I've been eating, which has endangered my health.  I'm not passive any more.  (Frankly, few people who know me, even my closest, would ever call me passive - but I have been when it comes to controlling my food intake).  I am so proud of myself for sticking to this diet - it makes me happy.  I have told a few people that I am on low-carb, they each sympathized and told me how hard it is.  No one believes me when I say that I am not suffering, and that it is not hard at all once you get past the initial roadbumps in Week 1 (cravings, learning to prep your fresh food ahead of time, flu-ish headachy feeling).  So, I just smile and let them think that I'm the willpower goddess. 

Days 10-12 // 2/1/11 - 2/3/11

It has been another long week, once again, dominated by poor winter weather conditions and a sick toddler.  So, here’s my update for the week.  Days 10-12 passed in a blur.  So far so good.  I have stuck to this diet pretty well. 

I have made a minor (but permitted) deviation – I was absolutely craving some chocolate, so I went to the store to buy some unsweeted baking chocolate and some Truvia (erithrytol).  You’re not supposed to have chocolate yet, but I&N allow a small bit if you can’t help yourself, so long as you keep it as low carb as possible.  They recommend melting a small amount of chocolate, sweetening it with artificial stuff, then adding in heavy cream and whipping it to make a sort of chocolate mousse.  This is basically what I did, although I didn’t whip mine, and I added some more spices, and kept it the consistency of a chocolate sauce.  It was very satisfying, and only a few tablespoons were enough to take care of my craving.  I’ll post the recipe.  It was really enjoyable, and only 2 net carbs.

Water Retention

I want to explain my weight gain and quick loss between Days 10-12 this week.  The weight gain was due to water retention.  I ran out of my BP meds, and couldn’t get to the pharmacy to refill (our roads were treacherous).  So, I racked up some serious water weight over about 3 days.  I was finally able to get the meds on the afternoon of Day 11, and then I peed away about 2 pounds of water or so by the morning of Day 12.  I know this wasn’t a good thing, so don’t chide me.  I won’t do it again.  Just goes to show that I really need to be healthier and lose weight  so I can get my BP under control.

State of Mind

I am treating low-carb like it is just the way that I eat.  I’m not sure when I stopped thinking about “being on a diet”.  But, somehow, amazingly (and for now), I’m just going with it and it is not a struggle.  I think it is going to be key to keep myself out of the “starvation” and “suffering” mindset by being positive minded, keeping myself full and indulging in the stuff we’re allowed to eat on this diet plan. 

Day 6 - 1/28/11

Well, this blog has fast forwarded to Day 6 because, between Days 2-5, the stomach bug made a horrifying appearance in my house. I, myself, was personally, uh, occupied, with the bug from Days 4-5.
Day 4, I didn’t manage to keep anything down, even water.
I went off the diet temporarily on Day 5, because all I could keep down was diluted G2 gatorade (about 10 carbs from that beverage for the day) and about 15-18 triscuits. I also skipped the vitamins and supplements on Day 5 because I could not imagine trying to swallow anything as large as my fish oil pill or co-enzyme Q10 pill.
I’m still a little skeeved out about it, so today, on Day 6, I’m going to take my vitamins and supplements this evening when I feel more settled.
Breaking the Habit of Daily Weighing
I am really into weighing myself daily – and the diet book says not to do it. I need to break the habit, because although it has been encouraging (as of Day 4 a.m., I was down 5.5 pounds), if the scale goes the other way, it might lead to discouragement and maybe some poor behavior on my part.
Sidebar
The interesting thing I learned, though, is that I didn’t lose a drop of weight after being sick and literally not consuming anything that "stuck with me" on Day 4. I weighed myself on Day 5 in the morning and was down to 223 pounds, but when I weighed myself this morning, back up to 226, which I attribute to thoroughly rehydrating myself on Day 5. Gross sickness aside, does this mean that by sticking to the diet I lose more weight than I would if I didn’t eat at all? Not that the latter is an option (I’m not the kind of girl that can go without), but just goes to show how effective the diet is and how terrible an idea it is to starve yourself.
In any event, I am feeling much better today. I am not going to give myself heck about my carb intake yesterday – I was sick, it was minor, I needed electrolytes desperately, and there was no way I would keep down dairy or protein if I tried.
My Resolve / Head Games
I told my husband, last night, that I felt really good about this diet, and I thought I could lose a lot of weight on it. I really mean it. It worked immediately, and seems to still be working. I feel like I am in control right now, and that feels even better than my initial weight loss, because I’ve always said about myself and diets that "I have no willpower".
I am realizing now that "willpower" may not be the issue, because… as India and Neris observed in their book (and I am very loosely paraphrasing), the first and most important issue is your perspective, i.e., you have to keep firm in your mind that you are not "suffering" on this diet, that you are not "denying" yourself, and focus on enjoying the delicious, fresh food in front of you and not bemoaning what you can’t have and would really enjoy. You’ve got to be firmly positive inside your own head.
When dieting in the past, I’ve always obsessed about what I can’t have, and I’ve gotten overwhelmed and cheated, then completely fallen off the wagon and never looked back.
Now, I am positive about what I’m doing and what I’m eating. I made some kick ass pork chops in a brandy-mushroom cream gravy the other night, with spicy sautéed spinach on the side, and as I ate it, I was like, "heck ya, I am not denying myself" and I really meant it. My daughter’s mac and cheese was appealing, and so was my husband’s side dish of plain white rice (see Cravings section, below), but I didn’t feel the desire to cheat, and it didn’t take much "willpower". It was an easy decision on my part, and by making it, I felt that I was doing something good for myself.
Cravings
I don’t have major cravings yet, although I have been lusting after… plain boiled white rice with butter and salt on it. Crazy, no? Maybe its because my stomach’s been off and that is about as bland as you can get. I foresee some difficulty in the future with bread, pasta, chocolate, etc., but I’m going to cross that bridge when I come to it.
Number 2
1 cup of sautéed spinach is nature’s broom. It was some scary…stuff.
I’m not sure what the deal is, but somehow, lightly sautéed spinach seems to work better for me than raw spinach. Maybe it is because sautéed spinach is more dense and compact than fresh, so you get more in 1 cup of sautéed than you do in even 2 cups of fresh (and I have a limit to how much of the fresh stuff I can eat in say, a salad). Also, I really enjoyed the sautéed spinach a lot more than the raw stuff (even dressed up).
Recipes

Porkchops with mushroom cream gravy:
4 1 inch thick, boneless pork chops
Quick Brine (4 tbsp salt, 1tsp honey, 1 cup water, shake well and put in tupperware)
Butter
8 oz mushrooms
Splash of brandy or cognac
2/3 cup cream
1/3 cup chicken stock (gluten free)
Brine porkchops for 2-4 hours, dry thoroughly. Brown porkchops in butter in frying pan over medium high heat. When browned on both sides, remove chops to plate and keep warm (don’t worry about cooking through). Add mushrooms to pan (don’t add salt) and brown thoroughly. Add splash of brandy and deglaze pan. Add cream and chicken stock. When mixture bubbles, turn heat down to medium, add pork chops, put lid on pan, and cook for about 5 minutes more or until chops are cooked through. Take off heat and allow to rest for about 5-10 minutes before consuming.
Note: you probably won’t have to add salt because your pork chops will add plenty of salt to the party. Also, I’m not worried about the honey in the brine… not much actually gets in to the chops.)
Sauteed spinach
Butter
1 garlic clove, smashed
½ cup cream
1/8 tsp Crushed red pepper flake
Fresh nutmeg, grated, to taste
Salt and pepper to taste
3 cups raw baby spinach
Cook garlic in butter medium saucepan over medium heat until it softens but does not turn brown. Add everything but the spinach to the pan, infusing the cream with the other flavors, heat to simmer slowly over medium low heat. Add spinach in 2 batches, waiting until first batch wilts before adding second batch. Fold cream over spinach mixture to help spinach wilt. When greens are vibrant green but softened, remove from heat and serve.