Monday, October 24, 2011

Pity Party Pig Out - Reflections

Last week was a doosie.  My daughter is in the hospital recovering from a procedure (she’s okay), and I spent the whole weekend there with her.  I came home on Sunday night, leaving my husband there to stay, as I had to go to work on Monday morning and he did not. 

Sunday night, watching football by myself in my jammies, I wanted a snack.  I went to the fridge, and found a mountain of Chinese food leftovers, none of which I should be eating.  I seized on the stress of the weekend as an excuse to pig out on forbidden foods (yes, it was a conscious choice and I knew what I was doing). 

I wish that I could say that I stopped at the cold spareribs and chicken fingers.  I didn’t.  I went back to the fridge, looking for something sweet, thinking to myself, “well, I already blew it with Chinese, what’s a little more junk food going to hurt?” 

I found about 4 ounces of coconut chocolate chip cookie dough in the freezer, and demolished that.  I looked down at my belly, which had already started to rumble at me disagreeably, and felt a bit ashamed.

I justified my bad eating choices, in those moments, by thinking that, with all that I had going on, I deserved a break, and no one would think poorly of me for cheating.

Making excuses for poor behavior to justify continuing down a path that I should not be on is just crazy talk!  Who am I making excuses to?  Me?  Sending excuses from myself to myself?  This is how I got into the rut that I was in – you know, the rut that had me ballooning to 236 pounds on my 5’6” frame, suffering from diabetes, high blood pressure and PCOS. 

I am past this and I am better than this.  Taking personal responsibility for my health at all times means that when life hands me lemons, I do not drink lemonade.  I also do not eat lemon squares or lemon pie, or indulge in lemon chicken.  I calm down, take stock, and decide not to go forth into a feeding frenzy. 

The truth of the matter is that I have this one life, and this one body, and I believe that I can do better for myself and for my family.  No one benefits when I eat crap that can literally send me into a coronary. 

Gifting myself with junk food, sugar and starches is the old Kate, the one who numbed herself with food because she could not face sad things in her life.   

The new Kate is honest with herself, and is getting healthier day by day.  She doesn’t run from problems.  She faces them head-on, and sends them packing.   

Does this familiar to you?  Check out:

Pema Chodron, Getting Unstuck, This is a great CD from Pema Chodron, a buddhist nun.  She's been there.  This CD really helped me understand what I was doing to myself with food.  Its not a CD about food or dieting - its about being in a rut and identifying why you created the rut, and what its done for you lately. 

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