Monday, February 28, 2011

Goals and looking back - oh God.

One thing that I really liked about the Atkins Bulletin Board, is that the people frequently post their goals and "mini-goals", and celebrate for every 10 pounds lost to keep up the excitement and interest.  I think that is a great idea, so I have added a "Goals" section to my home page, to keep track of my goals.  I am only .5 pounds away from 220, so I am really excited to make that goal.  It means a lot to me.

Prior to this making this lifestyle change, I'd been stuck between 225-236 for a long time. 

I took some time to look back at my history of being overweight:
  • I don't think that I got chubby until I was in the 2nd grade, because that is when the teasing started. 
  • I remember weighing 130 pounds in the 3rd grade, and being 5'2". 
  • After that, its a blur until I get to freshman year of high school in 1994, and I'm just under 200 pounds. 
  • In the Summer of 1995, I joined Weight Watchers and lost about 25 pounds, and had a weight of about 175 or so and looked really good.  I went back to school in the fall, and remember that this jerk from French class, who had teased me mercilessly the year before, was suddenly nice to me and told me how "fantastic" I looked. 
  • Then, a romantic relationship ended badly, and I gained that lost weight back in a heart beat.  I maintained at 190-195 from my sophomore year of high school in 1995 through October 2001, the beginning of my senior year of college.
  • In October 2001, I was sick and lost a ton of weight in about 3 weeks.  I weighed 175 and was a size 10-12 and thought I looked pretty phenomenal.  That came back by the following summer (2002).
  • I  started law school in 2002 at about 195 or so. 
  • I ended law school in 2005 at 236.
  • I weighed 236 when I got married in 2005.
  • I weighed 236 when I got pregnant in 2006, was up to 240-something during my pregnancy, and after I had my daughter in 2007, I weighed 224. 
  • I ballooned back up to 236 by Summer 2008, then managed, during that summer, by way of diet (frozen diet lunches and yogurt every day), to get down to 217 at my lowest in August 2008. 
  • That didn't last for very long, and I slowly (over the course of a year) gained it back. 
  • My weight, since about August 2009, has fluctuated within the range of 225-236 pounds.  When I started this diet in January 2011, I weighed 231.5. 
  • I am currently at 220.5,  as of 2/28/11, which is as thin as I've been in a while. 
It is a little shocking to realize that I can never remember having weighed my goal weight of 150.  Going back, I can calculate that I was probably at 150 or so in the 5th grade, but I have no real recollection.  I was a size 14 in middle school, so I was probably at 180+ by the 7th grade. 

So, when I reach my goal weight of 150 pounds, I will probably be the thinnest I have been since I was 10 or 11 years old, and I'll be about 4" taller. 

Isn't that shocking?  Isn't it sad? 

I hated being the fat girl.  It really has been my "label" since I was a young girl.  It doesn't matter that I have always had positive characteristics that I (or others) could use to describe myself, too - like smart, funny, beautiful, kind or successful.  I never used them until adulthood.  I just listened to my mom tell me these things over and over, and I never really believed her.  Thank God I had her to keep up that refrain when I was at my most vulnerable and self-loathing - during my adolescent years - because it somehow, eventually got through, and I am a healthy-minded adult.  Just makes me realize one more thing that mom did for me that I never got a chance to thank her for.  I hope that she knew, before she died, that all of the laudatory things anyone can say about me are nearly 100% attributable to her hard work and excellent example.  I wouldn't have been the person I am today if it hadn't been for her.

Sad.  Now I miss her, and have cried my eye makeup off while at work.  Fantastic.  No more blogging about this stuff during lunch.

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