I just don't feel like myself this week. I had Monday Misery, which is not my usual deal. I have been grumpy, tired, and short-tempered. Today, I have a headache, which I never get. It is right in the dead center of my forehead and face, and completely encompasses both eyes. The pressure is very uncomfortable. I haven't been able to get my butt out the door to exercise this week. I have been creaky and achy in my back and knees and neck. I have had such high energy since starting low carb ten weeks ago. In contrast, this week just feels so strange. I am uncharacteristically low energy and just plain, old miserable. Sigh. I don't think it's the diet. I am wondering if I'm sick, hormonal (see also, my birthday post and evil kate post), or starting up with my seasonal allergies.
I just had a comprehensive blood screen at the doctor's and looked at my results. Mostly everything is good and normal. My glucose, after eating lunch, tested at 96 (which is normal for fasting blood sugar, so pretty good for midday after lunch). My blood pressure has been consistently low. My cholesterol is pretty good: its a little high, but the ratio is really good, and my HDL level is high.
My estrogen count is way way up. My new doctor confirmed my PCOS diagnosis yesterday after an ultrasound. She said that my estrogen is elevated because I haven't ovulated in months. So, I have started taking progesterone to induce a period, then I'll take clomid to induce ovulation. Hopefully, this will start the old ball rolling. Can extra estrogen make you beastly? I am wondering.
So, the whole point of figuring out this PCOS thing, and getting my body in gear, is because I am, at least now, not ovulating and therefore infertile. Hubby and I have been thinking about having another child.
After going to the doctor yesterday, and talking about conception and stuff, stewing for a while, then getting Satan's own headache and being short with the wonderful daughter I already have, I began to feel that I am not ready to have another child at this moment. I love kids. I love my own kid to the moon and back and I am so proud of her that it makes my teeth hurt. Part of me really would love to have more children. The other part of me, which has been silent for a while, thinks that I should get my shit together, lose my weight, enjoy being thin and healthy, and revisit pregnancy when I am healthier overall and will have a safer pregnancy. I also want to be able to hang out and do adult things that I have only recently been able to do… like join my friends for a movie or happy hour. That same part has also suggested that I should think about focusing on my career. Career and new baby don't necessarily jibe, you know. (Not unless your significant other is willing to be a Mr. or Mrs. Mom… and mine isn't). Both parts of me have been positively screaming "PRIORITIES, ESTABLISH YOUR FREAKING PRIORITIES", although they clearly disagree on what those priorities should be. Is it just panic?
Let's make a list of priorities:
- Keep a close eye on the health of my dad and grandma, and be the health bouncer in my family.
- Spend time with my family.
- Get healthy.
- Get my billable hours on track at work.
- Get City and related stuff in order.
- Enjoy being an adult.
- Take on a hobby.
- Think about having another baby.
- Think about running for office again (I really want to take a term off).
That feels right to me. I have to sit with it for a while, but for now, this feels like what I have to do. I feel this need to take care of and preserve what we already have, before we add anyone or anything else in to the mix.
Why do I feel selfish and kind of sad? Am I depressed? I just don't feel like myself! I am going to go back through my old blog posts, and remind myself that I am usually a happy person who feels well!!!
Ow. The headache has moved on to the top of my head, my temples, and behind my ears, despite the acetominophen I just took. Maybe I should wait until I feel better before I make any Life Choices.