Monday, August 1, 2011

Change of Plans

I miscarried last week.  It wasn't anything I did or didn't do, just one of those things.  The baby stopped developing and its heartbeat vanished.  I am okay, although I feel pretty shitty at the moment.  Here's the new plan: I will continue to get my health in order by eating and exercising properly, nurturing myself, losing the weight and resolving my diabetes and high blood pressure, so that when it is time to try again for a bambino, I will be the healthiest version of myself possible, to give that little one the best possible chance at a healthy, happy life.  I will take care of my family and myself in the meanwhile.  What else can I do?
I have to say that this has changed my outlook on life.  I knew, two weeks ago, following an abnormal ultrasound, that there was a risk of miscarriage.  But, in my heart and in my mind, I had no doubt that my child would be just fine.  I was hopeful.  I was optimistic.  I just knew, after all that we had been through - losing my mom in such a horrible way, fearing that my dad was going to croak at any minute, and dealing with my 4 year-old daughter's cancer diagnosis, surgery and treatment - that it was time for good news, and this new life was that good news.  I was so sure that we had suffered so much, that we would be spared the loss of this baby.  We had been through rough waters, and now we would have some smooth sailing and sunny days.  It did not work out that way.  Now, I suddenly have a lot of questions.
Sorry for the "woe is me" stuff.  But... today sucks lemons and I'm not ready to make lemonade.  I am sad and tired, and I have intermittent periods of pretty severe physical discomfort.  While I don't want to be at work (and I certainly can't take any more time off), I really don't want to go home and have to be MOM and WIFE right now.  I don't have the energy.  I want to be self-indulgent for a day or two.  I'm ready for a little break.  I just don't have one coming my way in the foreseeable future.  That feels and sounds horrible to say, because my family is my joy and I love them and appreciate them always.  But... I vant to be alone.

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